This article is satire, intended to be tongue in cheek and is not to be taken seriously.
She’s left you? Is she mad? What the hell is she thinking?
After everything you DO for her! Well, clearly you haven’t shouted loud enough or made her feel small enough, what HAVE you been doing all this time? Well, clearly not much because now.. NOW she’s gone and actually made a decision of her own and has rejected you! For real this time!
In this awful, unfair and wholly unwarranted situation, of which, I’m sure you hold absolutely no fault in, the best thing to do is to use all of your unspent energy and anger into being as awkward as possible.
Firstly, you must always remember that her decisions are not valid. None of them. Her decision to leave you is either based on another person ‘poisoning’ her mind against you (obviously, as you are so perfect) or because, let’s face it, she’s stark raving bonkers. Remind her of this at every opportunity you get. If she has been diagnosed with depression or any other mental health issues, use this with as much venom as you can muster against her. If she hasn’t, tell her she is mad anyway. Lots. All the time, as I’m sure you did throughout the relationship, but this time… take it up a notch. Make sure she understands what a completely bat shit crazy bitch she is. And don’t stop. Even when others… friends, family, even your own children, ask you to stop, ignore them…
she’s a mental (obviously for leaving you) and she should be reminded so… constantly.
After that, make sure that every tiny, weeny, insignificant decision that has to be made out of the break up is blown out of all proportion to the actual issue itself. The real point here is to make everything as dramatic, painful and ridiculous as you can. Even if, or in fact, especially if it doesn’t make any sense. Don’t worry that the children will be affected by your constant bursts of anger and hatred towards their mother. They will probably be ok. And anyway, the chances are they will be too afraid to tell you, so their mother can deal with their emotional difficulties as well as her own while you pop up the pub to slag her off some more to your bored drinking buddies.
Talk about her to anyone who will listen, let the world know what a terrible, selfish, lazy, inconsiderate cow she is. Don’t worry if their experience of her tells them different. Keep at it, with enough banging on about it they will soon get bored and agree with you, even if it’s just to shut you up. But you don’t care about that. All you care about is getting people to agree with you, no matter how falsely, so that you can go and tell you ex that everyone thinks she’s wrong. Because she is, right? You’ve done nothing to deserve this.
If you have children involve them as much as possible in your petty arguments. They need to know what an awful person their mother is too, right? Of course they do. You don’t even need to consider the long term implications of emotionally confusing and damaging your kids… You won’t be there to pick up the pieces at the end of it all, so have free reign to cause all the damage and then go on to live in blissful ignorance. Also, if you notice…
…Who am I kidding you’re not going to notice…
…If you are informed of any difficulties with the children that have arisen from your behaviour, just flat out blame their mother for it, even in the face of undeniable evidence. If you don’t accept it, it isn’t true.
Threaten social services in front of them, so that they are fearful that they will be taken from their family, that’ll really get to your ex. Argue in front of them and disparage their mother before their very own eyes! Encourage them to do the same. Reward them when they display behaviour similar to your own. And, if all else fails, spend loads of money on them, kids love cash and are easily swayed by gifts and days out. That way you don’t actually have to be truly emotionally involved with them. Don’t forget while you are doing this tell the world what a wonderful father you are as much as possible.
Their love for you might only be because you bought them expensive gifts but who cares? Look at their adoring little terrified faces!
If there is an opportunity to make a fair, reasonable and sensible decision with no drama needed whatsoever, don’t stand for it! Make a mountain out of a molehill. She left you remember? She’s entitled to nothing. It’s all yours. You are, in fact, being kind enough to her already to even consider letting her have a ‘fair’ financial or property settlement from this relationship. She should know this. If you can find the time between telling her what a total mentalist she is, tell her she deserves nothing too. Tell her that everything she is and everything she has she owes to you.
She was nothing before you and she will be nothing afterwards. You’ll make sure of it.
Try and squeeze as much out of the breakup as you can. Don’t worry if it’s petty. Petty is what you do best, right? Argue about cutlery if you’re splitting the family home belongings. Waver over towels. Quibble about candlesticks. Have a three hour rant about how her wanting the washing machine is yet another example of how selfish she is for needing to wash the children’s clothes.
Text, email and conduct ranty phonecalls as often as possible. Snipe at her when you pick the kids up, sneer at her if you see her in the street. Make life as uncomfortable as possible and don’t let up. If she asks for a different mode of communication because she’s tired of getting shouted at down the phone several times a day, ignore her! Keep the pressure on. Make her cry. Tell the kids you don’t know what her problem is you only wanted to discuss something utterly reasonable, even if they have heard you screaming at her.
Be difficult about child maintenance. After all you’ve paid for these kids while you were together, why pay now? This is her decision, she should pay the price for it. Instead spend your spare money on going out to the pub and drinking yourself into a pathetic fit of over emotional bitterness, before calling your ex again at 1am to let her know she’s ruined your life and you love her sooooooo much. The next day, deny that happened and remind her again that she’s mental.
Then, re-establish ‘control’ by texting nasty and abusive messages all day.
Stalk her. Check her online activity constantly. If she blocks you, find a way around it. And tell others what she’s doing online by way of exonerating you from your own pathetic behaviour. Use anything she says, preferably out of context, against her and to create a completely fabricated idea of who she is and how badly she’s treating you. Invade her privacy, go through her things, check her phone messages and emails. Yes, yes, she says just wants to move on and be left alone, but she needs to be told doesn’t she?
Or she’ll go around thinking she’s something special or, even worse, think that she is a real human being worthy of being treated with a modicum of respect.
At the end of the day, who needs a sensible, mature, responsible break up? Who needs their kids to see adults behaving in a grown up manner in the midst of difficult circumstances? Not you! Oh no. Punishments must be dealt to those who leave you. And you’re the best person to do it.
Don’t waste your time working on the ‘inner you’, don’t try to settle things amicably or move on with your life a quickly as possible.
Stay angry, keep pushing, because when it is all over, when your ex has run as far away from you as possible and your kids have disowned you, when your friends have stopped inviting you out, or just stopped talking to you because you have bored them to death with your constant, unrelenting tales of how awful your ex has been to you…
…then, you can look back at the relationship, at the break up, at the devastation around you, at your conduct during it all and be so very proud of what you did, right? Right?
Abuse is a very serious subject but we at MSV feel that a little light humour helps us deal with it better.
We hope this post brings a smile to your face.
Love and light.
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