Posted in Humour

How To Divorce – A Guide For Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Husbands.


This article is satire, intended to be tongue in cheek and is not to be taken seriously.

She’s left you? Is she mad? What the hell is she thinking?

After everything you DO for her! Well, clearly you haven’t shouted loud enough or made her feel small enough, what HAVE you been doing all this time? Well, clearly not much because now.. NOW she’s gone and actually made a decision of her own and has rejected you! For real this time!

In this awful, unfair and wholly unwarranted situation, of which, I’m sure you hold absolutely no fault in, the best thing to do is to use all of your unspent energy and anger into being as awkward as possible.

Firstly, you must always remember that her decisions are not valid. None of them. Her decision to leave you is either based on another person ‘poisoning’ her mind against you (obviously, as you are so perfect) or because, let’s face it, she’s stark raving bonkers. Remind her of this at every opportunity you get. If she has been diagnosed with depression or any other mental health issues, use this with as much venom as you can muster against her. If she hasn’t, tell her she is mad anyway. Lots. All the time, as I’m sure you did throughout the relationship, but this time… take it up a notch. Make sure she understands what a completely bat shit crazy bitch she is. And don’t stop. Even when others… friends, family, even your own children, ask you to stop, ignore them…

she’s a mental (obviously for leaving you) and she should be reminded so… constantly.

After that, make sure that every tiny, weeny, insignificant decision that has to be made out of the break up is blown out of all proportion to the actual issue itself. The real point here is to make everything as dramatic, painful and ridiculous as you can. Even if, or in fact, especially if it doesn’t make any sense. Don’t worry that the children will be affected by your constant bursts of anger and hatred towards their mother. They will probably be ok. And anyway, the chances are they will be too afraid to tell you, so their mother can deal with their emotional difficulties as well as her own while you pop up the pub to slag her off some more to your bored drinking buddies.

Talk about her to anyone who will listen, let the world know what a terrible, selfish, lazy, inconsiderate cow she is. Don’t worry if their experience of her tells them different. Keep at it, with enough banging on about it they will soon get bored and agree with you, even if it’s just to shut you up. But you don’t care about that. All you care about is getting people to agree with you, no matter how falsely, so that you can go and tell you ex that everyone thinks she’s wrong. Because she is, right? You’ve done nothing to deserve this.

If you have children involve them as much as possible in your petty arguments. They need to know what an awful person their mother is too, right? Of course they do. You don’t even need to consider the long term implications of emotionally confusing and damaging your kids… You won’t be there to pick up the pieces at the end of it all, so have free reign to cause all the damage and then go on to live in blissful ignorance. Also, if you notice…

Who am I kidding you’re not going to notice…

…If you are informed of any difficulties with the children that have arisen from your behaviour, just flat out blame their mother for it, even in the face of undeniable evidence. If you don’t accept it, it isn’t true.

Threaten social services in front of them, so that they are fearful that they will be taken from their family, that’ll really get to your ex. Argue in front of them and disparage their mother before their very own eyes! Encourage them to do the same. Reward them when they display behaviour similar to your own. And, if all else fails, spend loads of money on them, kids love cash and are easily swayed by gifts and days out. That way you don’t actually have to be truly emotionally involved with them. Don’t forget while you are doing this tell the world what a wonderful father you are as much as possible.

Their love for you might only be because you bought them expensive gifts but who cares? Look at their adoring little terrified faces!

If there is an opportunity to make a fair, reasonable and sensible decision with no drama needed whatsoever, don’t stand for it! Make a mountain out of a molehill. She left you remember? She’s entitled to nothing. It’s all yours. You are, in fact, being kind enough to her already to even consider letting her have a ‘fair’ financial or property settlement from this relationship. She should know this. If you can find the time between telling her what a total mentalist she is, tell her she deserves nothing too. Tell her that everything she is and everything she has she owes to you.

She was nothing before you and she will be nothing afterwards. You’ll make sure of it.

Try and squeeze as much out of the breakup as you can. Don’t worry if it’s petty. Petty is what you do best, right? Argue about cutlery if you’re splitting the family home belongings. Waver over towels. Quibble about candlesticks. Have a three hour rant about how her wanting the washing machine is yet another example of how selfish she is for needing to wash the children’s clothes.

Text, email and conduct ranty phonecalls as often as possible. Snipe at her when you pick the kids up, sneer at her if you see her in the street. Make life as uncomfortable as possible and don’t let up. If she asks for a different mode of communication because she’s tired of getting shouted at down the phone several times a day, ignore her! Keep the pressure on. Make her cry. Tell the kids you don’t know what her problem is you only wanted to discuss something utterly reasonable, even if they have heard you screaming at her.

Be difficult about child maintenance. After all you’ve paid for these kids while you were together, why pay now? This is her decision, she should pay the price for it. Instead spend your spare money on going out to the pub and drinking yourself into a pathetic fit of over emotional bitterness, before calling your ex again at 1am to let her know she’s ruined your life and you love her sooooooo much. The next day, deny that happened and remind her again that she’s mental.

Then, re-establish ‘control’ by texting nasty and abusive messages all day.

Stalk her. Check her online activity constantly. If she blocks you, find a way around it. And tell others what she’s doing online by way of exonerating you from your own pathetic behaviour. Use anything she says, preferably out of context, against her and to create a completely fabricated idea of who she is and how badly she’s treating you. Invade her privacy, go through her things, check her phone messages and emails. Yes, yes, she says just wants to move on and be left alone, but she needs to be told doesn’t she?

Or she’ll go around thinking she’s something special or, even worse, think that she is a real human being worthy of being treated with a modicum of respect.

At the end of the day, who needs a sensible, mature, responsible break up? Who needs their kids to see adults behaving in a grown up manner in the midst of difficult circumstances? Not you! Oh no. Punishments must be dealt to those who leave you. And you’re the best person to do it.

Don’t waste your time working on the ‘inner you’, don’t try to settle things amicably or move on with your life a quickly as possible.

Stay angry, keep pushing, because when it is all over, when your ex has run as far away from you as possible and your kids have disowned you, when your friends have stopped inviting you out, or just stopped talking to you because you have bored them to death with your constant, unrelenting tales of how awful your ex has been to you…

…then, you can look back at the relationship, at the break up, at the devastation around you, at your conduct during it all and be so very proud of what you did, right? Right?


Abuse is a very serious subject but we at MSV feel that a little light humour helps us deal with it better.

We hope this post brings a smile to your face.

Love and light.

MSV team.


We are looking for your stories of abuse to feature. Many small voices make one LOUD voice.

Domestic abuse damages in whatever form and here at Many Small Voices we hope to gather the stories of those who have survived abuse into one resource to help and support those who are still victims. We also hope to support survivors through recovery once the abuse has stopped because the scars are still there and will remain forever. Support after abuse is just as important.

We are not experts, just people who are passionate that domestic abuse, in whatever form it takes, must be stopped.

If you think you or someone you know needs help please take a look in our links page to find a list of organisations that strive to help support victims of abuse.


A network committed to speaking out about domestic abuse and offering support. Many small voices can make one big voice.

20 thoughts on “How To Divorce – A Guide For Emotionally and Verbally Abusive Husbands.

  1. I there any way I can get compaensated for abuse by my husband. I suffered severe anxiety and it has affected my capacity to work. He has depression and hypomania which I knew about when we married. He divorcing me as I got no money to defend it and no legal aid, so sad all the time

  2. I am married to a man…exactly like the above. Everything is my fault, I am worthless and useless. I am stupid because I cannot read his mind and guess what he wants me to do FOR him. He hates me, belittles and degrades me in front of our daughter…I’m trying to figure a way out, but I have a limited work and income because I am solely responsible for caring for our daughter, the house, food, laundry and the yard.

    If I leave, who will protect my daughter from him? If I leave, he will do everything he can to hurt me, more than what he already is. He is extremely vindictive, has already been divorced from a women who is literally exactly like him as far as verbal and emotional abuse… Their conversations are pure hatred and nasty. And when he gets off the phone with her, I have to pay for all the ‘sins’ she committed against him during their time of marriage.

    He has a kid from that marriage too, I’ve known the child since they were 5 years old. He called ‘fat’ and ‘stupid’ and she would cry in her room, I would go in and comfort her. I do NOT want my daughter to go through that alone. Who will comfort her after he’s demolished her?

    Last night he yelled at me because…I touched his bottled water and put it into the fridge for him. This caused him to rant and tell me how pathetic, childish, stupid I am, and that I lack common sense…

    He has his moments (rarely) of kindness. But he has been telling me for years that as soon as our daughter is 18 he is leaving me. He tells me that I am a loser because I do not have a full time job, career or skills that HE deems are worthy skills.

    He accuses me (often) of cheating, which is hilarious considering my days consist of driving our daughter to school, then myself to work, then back to her school, then home to make dinner, clean, work-out if I can (because he thinks I am fat), and maybe hide up in our bedroom where I can have an hour break before my days starts up the next morning to be a repeat the prior day. He knows my schedule. He knows my income. He literally makes 80% more income than I do (I make $15.00 an hour), and expects me to pay the groceries and the utilities. None of which I mind, but when I am struggling to pay for something and he has to help, I never hear the end of how I am a burden and how he can’t wait to be rid of me.

    How do I safely leave? How can I take my daughter with me and save her from this kind of abuse?

    1. I too have almost the spittin image of a husband, minus an ex-wife. Just last couple of days he’s been extra mean telling me I am the most fake person he’s known, and just yesterday he called me a c***, and a stupid dumb b****. He is constantly telling me I can’t do anything right and I don’t care about anything or anyone. We have two beautiful children who are teenagers and they have exspressed their thought to how thier father treats me and them. He later denies anything he said and acts stupid when I ask him why he said those things. I went to see a lawyer today and he said that in the divorce laws in Canada the judge will say “No fault” which clearly means that’s it doesn’t matter how much verbal, physical or emotional abuse your spouse puts you through, all the things he has ever done or said to you don’t mean a thing in the judges eyes cause both spouses are at fault. Thanks to Pierre Trudeau. So for all the woman out there getting emotionally and verbally abused on a day basis, well that’s our faults too not just the husbands. There is no end! There is no protection for ourselves or our children! That I say is unjustifiable and unfair! I hope it works out for you, wish you all the best.

  3. Exactly. This is my daughter’s father. The Prince Charming who turned into a sexless frog who abandoned me emotionally as soon as I was ‘his’. We separated, I met a wonderful man, and my life was turned upside-down by his relentless and ruthless reactions.

    Thank you so much for this, it is just what I need to explain things to the few supportive friends I have left.

  4. I have been married to my husband discribed to a t for 17 years almost with him for 20. I left him 3 times. This past September was my last and final time! I left my kids! I was told many times if I took my kids he would kill me and kids plus I also wanted to get myself steady and a place and get my kids later. My kids are older! 21, 17, and 16! Problem is they are all messed up now. One is in work release after problems with drugs but is clean now and working and wants to live with me as soon as classes are done. The other are also on drugs. (pot) It does not help when they have their father who allows it and does it with them and also emotional abusive to them as well as me. My 17 year old will not talk to me at all. My soon to be Ex is still waiting for me to file for divorce! Right now I’m not working because I got hurt. (He does not know.) my Ex is driving around in my truck I bought (both our names on title) I inherniated from my grandmothers death. I paid for all the furniture and window and new roof and fence and so much more in the house that he has and won’t give me that I also Inherited from my great aunt and uncle! He says I owe him more for years of taking care of me! It was my family who helped him become a truck driver to make money! He never wanted to work overtime! When I worked I had to work around his schedule because he did not want to babysit his kids! We were in bankrupt and ok finally and I left when I found out he was not paying on house again blaming me for it! I worked and paid for cell phones and internet I made 1/2 of what he made every two weeks! He drinks and smokes and gambles! Stills does! As I read this it was me! I knew I was not alone! I am glad I have my friend. She has been there for me and I’m am greatful. I love my boys and I know I am strong! He is going to be caught and my kids too. And I will be divorced and I will have my boys back and safe and I will be happy again. I am going to church and I have Hope!
    Thank you for this article it really moved me.

  5. Wow. Just wow. I know this post is meant to be humorous but my ex-husband has done every single thing. It is as if he read it himself and made a checklist. Stalk her. Check! Send as many nasty and abusive texts as I can. Check! Fight over everything in the divorce. Check! Get fired from job so she can pay child support. Check! Ask kids if they want to stay with me permanently and not have to live with crazy mom. Check! Call constantly, even with protective order in place that says no contact. Check! Bonus points if done on birthdays and holidays! Put together “documents” of events that happened and make sure she looks like the abusive, out-of-control tyrant that she is. Check! Check! Check!

    I have been struggling for three years now on how to get this behavior to stop and I have finally realized that it is not–as long as I allow it to continue. I have tried to be nice, tried to behave rationally, tried to keep the peace, but have only found myself upset, wondering if I am insane, or completely falling apart. My goal is to get through to the other side one day–meaning to be able to live a normal, healthy, and happy life and not have to panic when my phone rings, not need to look over my shoulder when I am out, not be afraid of what filth my kids will come home with about me…I don’t think this is too much to ask.

    Thank you for this post…It has certainly brightened my day!

  6. I came across this article last night. Hit the nail on the proverbial head. The tongue in cheek style helped with the painful realisation that this has been my life for the last 18 months. My decision to leave has not been easy because I “think” I love him, but I don’t “feel” like I love him…if that makes sense. Best thing to do is block all avenues of access and communication. Avoid the places you might see him. And just heal…that is my plan at least.

  7. Well written -so many paragraphs are right on! My Future ex’s 1st love was smoking pot, himself, & sexually abusing me. No, never meant No😪!
    I can’t wait to finally be divorced from him. He has held it up for 10 months, so far.

  8. My wife was Mentally, Emotionally and Physically abused in her first marriage which lasted 9 years. Her abusive ex isolated her from all of her family and friends, physically abused her by pinning her up against the wall by her neck then let her go and couldn’t understand why she was so upset. She forgot what it felt like to be happy. Now she can talk to her friends and Collegues about her past to help others understand the warning signs and how to safely get out. Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. Wow and all of the above has happened. I filed for divorce in Feb he wants all expensive items does not bother with my 2 children can’t buy them anything but has money to go away and drink
      He’s hit me and verbally told me I’m no good I have anxiety now and he’s turned people against me who believe he’s done nothing wrong. He’s risked my children and social serviced became involved and he’s trying to force me out by making the divorce more expensive. So I have no money to live on. After 7 months wants set days to see children to manipulate my youngest and he does not mind drink driving with them in the car. He’s played every dirty trick in the book from his mother telling the council he still lived with me to reporting me for fraud and my he plays the injured party well. Police took his guns away he threatened to shoot me when he was plastered
      I just want to be left alone with my children
      I’m the baddy in all this.
      I really not sure I can take much more tbh

  9. This was a God find for me! It’s perfect in its sarcasm and describes being abused like this in a way that everyone can understand.

  10. I was, am still being mentally abused by my husband. 4 months ago I separated from him but the abusive is still active. As I am typing this out I here my messages going off over and over. Some mornings I wake up to over 50 missed texts.

    When I met him I was in college and I did party a bit but he introduced me to heroin which changed my life in the worse way imaginable Our relationship became that of a drug roller coaster from one drug to the next. I got pregnant exactly 13 years ago and quit using, but after I had my beautiful son I started back. My husband could barely hold a job for longer than a few months. I remember having to take our children to work with me (we have 4 children) while he watched TV all day.

    I became so depressed, even though I was doing everything, he would still call me names and play on my emotions. He figured out how easy it was to make me feel worthless and he called me worthless all the time. I spent so much time in my bed feeling worthless because why would someone call you worthless if you weren’t?

    At this point I was completely loyal to him. I defended him to my parents, made excuses for his lack of working. I had lost all my friends at this point so I didn’t have to worry about defending him to them. I’m 38 years old and I still don’t have any friends. Anyway while I was pregnant with our 4th child my husband started selling meth and having an affair. I had to take a taxi to the hospital to have our last child and have a c section all alone.

    I started using again after my last child because I was so overwhelmed and weak, and I had no rehabilitation experience at that time. My husband was absent and I knew in my heart why so I tried to hide from the pain. He would come home for just a couple minutes and I remember one time he came in and said that I was old, used up and worthless. Then he left. I also remember that I had tried to look nice that night in case he came by but he didn’t even look at me.

    After his affair I was done and I cheated on him. I was so craving someone to tell me that I was worth something. I ended up cheating a few times and he found out because he did all the stalking things that they do. I endured so much damage after that period. He punished me for years. Really though I was just wanting someone to be nice to me. I still feel a lot of guilt for what I did, but I was very damaged. I haven’t told everything that happened between us but it got very bad for a while. I got to a point that I wanted to die just to escape his emotional abuse.

    Just typing this out has been therapeutic I think, I don’t really know. So much is still messed up in my head that it’s hard for me to pin point what it is that I feel.

    When I read that article at the top I was laughing, it was like whoever wrote it knew exactly what happened in my life. It’s helpful to know that others share my experience.

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