Is love too good to be true?
We were together two years before I realize something was wrong. He did not hit me then, later though, but first it was nice. We did whatever I wanted; he bought me gifts for no reason. We talked for hours about all my hopes and dreams. We visited each other’s families and everyone said how good we were together. Even my doubting father liked his company.
The first stage of his abuse began, he starting calling me names, stupid, dumb, a lousy lay.
Anything to make me think I could not live without him.
Being rude to me in front of my family and my friends, my response was to explain away his behavior as he is tired for working so much overtime from week. Telling me later how my family member or my friend tried to become intimate with him and still smile in my face. Holding me as I cry feeling betrayed by someone close to as he explains that the only person I need in my life is him.
The first hit was a surprise to me although now I am not sure why. He was grooming for this very moment.
At his family reunion, everyone is laughing and having a good time. One of my favorite songs came on, and as I did what I have done, a million times when he said he did not want to dance. I go to the dance floor (in the park it is a platform that bands play during live concerts) me and his family are all dancing, laughing, and having a good time. No one is really dancing with anyone in particular.
I found myself looking up from the cement slap used as a stage, trying to understand how I got there.
Then the stink of my face materialized as I looked up and find my partner, my mate for two years looking like monster yelling how I, being the whore I am disrespect him in front of his family, his mother even.
He helps me up and tells me how much he loves me and that he forgive me for this.
I saw his mother waved to me in the distance and began walking dazed in her direction. I was thinking his family is going to deal with him while I take solace getting some support from his mother. I felt like she slapped me again when she said,
“try not to anger him… he is a good man… he just need someone to love him the right way.”
To this day, I cannot explain what that way is, but that is the day I knew I had to find away from him. I knew this would not be easy with both him and his father holding high racking positions in the security industry.
I was right it was not easy. I have tried getting a piece a paper telling him he could not be near me. His response,
It took six attempts on my life before the police caught him.
The criminal court hearing told me not only had he done this kind of thing before but his father’s influence always kept him from any real trouble.
Prior experience of working in the legal field and my family with military and police backgrounds provided me a private call the day before they released him. The call told me that I had to leave town without telling anyone in my family. He was coming for me. His family calls me telling me how much he loves and misses me, not to worry he will forgive you if you apologize. What!!!
Everything in my soul told me I had to go, but go where?
Did I forget to mention I have two school age children seeing their mother repeatedly degraded, beaten, and broken.
I could not just leave; I had to have a plan.
I dug far in my past, to former colleagues from college. I located friends and extended family that I do not speak with often enough. A place he did not know, a place to be safe, just one thing, how do I get there?
I realize I cannot fight him off, changing all four tires he slashed in the night, breaking into my garage to get in the house, showing up at my job during the times he knows I would be leaving for lunch or going home.
Listen to stories of him terrorizing my female family members, friends, and co-workers.
I had to do the unthinkable to get away, I had to apologize, and take him back.
I did that, all the while planning an escape, the escape of my life. During all the confusion my father took ill and never recovered, he died thinking his baby girl decided to be abused for the rest of her life. I could not afford to tell anyone my plan, afraid that he would bully the information or worst.
I arranged to leave two weeks after my father’s funeral. I packed me and the girls’ clothes leaving enough for the remaining days and packing the drawers with clothes we no longer worn. I packed important papers in my tire well. Only able to tell one of my children of my plans the other to in love with the monster not to tell before we are safe and one true friend, she helped me pack my van on D-day.
By 10 am, we are on the highway heading a 1000 miles away from my home, my career, my family, and my friends.
He found us once, but we were lucky enough that I had friends that ran interference so we could run. Seven years later, I still have the tenancy to look behind me wondering is he with someone else now or does he still feel if he cannot have me, no one else will.
Of course, I have trust issues and I am dealing with it, I can breathe again, and just be me.
I do not advocate that if you are in abusive situation that she remains there or take him back.
I do believe that you have to safely remove yourself from the situation.
The National Domestic Abuse hotline can help you if you need to relocate to stay safe. I did not have that option since both our families had very high connection where we lived. I had to find safe surroundings to get assistance but assistance you will need if you have been in any domestic violence relationship; psychology scars require a therapist with finesse and the ability to provide cognitive therapy.
Getting out is only the first step, staying out and not repeating the relationship cycle is the ultimate goal.
My question was is love too good to be true?
I can now honestly say no, but it will take a long time to learn the difference again.
Abuse happens in all kinds of relationships, though abusers are often men and victims are often women, we know very well that this is not always the case.
We are looking for your stories of abuse to feature. Many small voices make one LOUD voice.
Domestic abuse damages in whatever form and here at Many Small Voices we hope to gather the stories of those who have survived abuse into one resource to help and support those who are still victims. We also hope to support survivors through recovery once the abuse has stopped because the scars are still there and will remain forever. Support after abuse is just as important.
We are not experts, just people who are passionate that domestic abuse, in whatever form it takes, must be stopped.
If you think you or someone you know needs help please take a look in our links page to find a list of organisations that strive to help support victims of abuse.